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Office Job Evaluations

The following are excerpts from employee evaluation forms:

  1. This person is not really so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't-be.

  2. To hear him speak, his accomplishments are so big they can only be compared to that of a black hole in space -- unfortunately, neither have been confirmed to exist.

  3. Create a new title to make him feel appreciated, e.g., jester, dunce, former employee, etc.

  4. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train just isn't coming.

  5. A clock watcher who's in a different time zone than the rest of us.

  6. He's so dense, light bends around him.

  7. This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better.

  8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

  9. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.

  10. Is still able to get the job done -- if someone else helps.

  11. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

  12. Has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

  13. A photographic memory but his lens cover is glued on.

  14. Will stick with us until retirement, unless we do something first.

  15. If he were any more stupid, we'd be watering him twice a week.

  16. Bright as Alaska in December.

  17. He's lucky he's not a horse, but still likely to get shot anyway.

  18. Since my last evaluation, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

  19. A one-cell organism outscored him in IQ tests.

  20. This person's work habits gives rise to the argument -- why are we separated by the animals?

  21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

  22. Fell out of the family tree, most likely on his head.

  23. When she opens her mouth, it seems it's only to change whichever foot was previously there.

  24. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

  25. It's hard to believe he beat out a million other sperm.

  26. If brains were taxed, she'd get a large refund.

  27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

  28. Can string two sentences together, but only if she borrows the string.

  29. One neuron short of a synapse.

  30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargles.

  31. Wheel is turning, but the hamsters are all dead.

  32. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

  33. Don't fire him immediately, fire him yesterday.

  34. I wouldn't allow this employee to breed.

  35. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

  36. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

  37. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

  38. Has committed no major blunders today, that we are know of.

  39. A room temperature IQ.

  40. Still one step ahead of the law.

  41. Has two brains: One is lost, the other is out looking for it.

  42. Offers plausible excuses for errors.

  43. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

  44. Needs more to do. Might I be so bold as to suggest looking for a job.

  45. Finds twenty reasons to do anything except original task.

  46. Works well, when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

  47. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a child.

  48. If we keep this person on, stock in liquid paper might be advantageous.

  49. It's best for us that this person not work with people.

  50. Relative of senior partner. Great performance!

See also, these cross-references:

  • Courtroom Humor
  • Humorous Legal Cases
  • Lawyer Jokes
  • Political Humor
  • Totally Useless Legal Facts
  • Airline and Aviation Humor  [ Re-QUEST dot Net ]
  • Funny, Strange and Bizarre Legal News  [ AnnoyingStuff.com ]

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