A couple of lawyers are out hunting in the woods when one of them suddenly falls
to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other lawyer quickly
pulls out his cell phone and calls 911 for help. "911, state the nature of your emergency," says the emergency operator.
"My friend is dead! What can I do?" gasps the lawyer. "Just take it easy. I can help you," the operator says calmly. "First,
let's make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, then a shot is heard. The lawyer's voice comes back to the line and
hurriedly asks, "OK, now what?"
A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the govenor, it's an emergency!" exclaimed
the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor's aide eventually agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important
that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Brown just died, and I want to take his place," pleaded the
attorney. "Well, its Ok with me if its Ok with the mortuary," came the reply.
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's
senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone. "I'm
very sorry," the receptionist answered, "but Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?",
repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me, I'm afraid Mr.
Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?", the client again asked. "Ma'am, do you understand
what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist, "Mr. Smith is DEAD!" "Oh I understand you perfectly,"
said the client, "I just can't hear it often enough."
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied.
"Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my
fate instead of one."
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer,
wanting to start a conversation with the gentleman next to him, said
"I'm here 'cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance
company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I'm here 'cause my
house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer pondered the engineer's plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, "How do
you start a flood?"
Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You
only have time to save one of them. Do you: (1) have lunch?, or (2) go to a movie?
George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air balloon race. After
37 hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers, "We had better lose some altitude Harry
so we can see exactly where we are." Hesitantly, Harry lets some hot air out of the balloon,
and it begins to slowly descend below the cloud cover. Still confused as to their exact location George
again offers, "I still can't tell where we are Harry, let's ask that gentleman down there on the
ground." Harry yells down to the stranger, "Hey, Mister can you tell us where we are?" "You're
in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air," came the reply. "That man must be a lawyer," George quipped.
"How can you tell?" said Harry. "Because the advice he just gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless!"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time
to time, robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE! A
trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the
reward. After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up
behind him. At the sound of the Ranger's guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised bandit
sped around only to see both of the Ranger's six-shooters bearing down on him. The Ranger announced,
"You're under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll drop you where you stand," his finger
becoming itchy on the trigger. However, the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish. Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and translated the
Ranger's demand to the bandit. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried
next to an old oak tree behind the cantina. "What did he say, what did he say?", the Ranger hurriedly
asked. To which the lawyer replied, "Well, the best I can make out he said ... DRAW!"
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that kinda steep?", asked the man while dolling out
the $50.00. "Yes," answered the lawyer, "what's your third question?"
The Chief Justice of an Appellate Court invited the newly appointed Justice over for dinner. During the meal,
the new appointee, Justice Johnson, couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the Chief Justice's
housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between
the Chief Justice and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the new appointee's thoughts,
the Chief Justice volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship
with my housekeeper is purely a professional one."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the
Chief Justice and said, "Your Honor, ever since your new appointee came to dinner, I've been unable
to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The Chief Justice
said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Justice Johnson, I'm not saying that you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not
saying you didn't take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner."
Several days later the Chief Justice received a reply letter from Justice
Johnson which read: "Dear Chief Justice, I'm not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper,
and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you
were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
A judge was riding horses one day with a young lawyer friend. They came upon an open stretch of
country and noticed a hangman's noose hanging from a tree, solemnly waiving in the wind. The judge turned to his riding companion
and jokingly said, "Jacob, if that gallows had its due, where do you suppose you would be?" "Riding alone," quickly came the reply.
An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an
intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told
the investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"
Samuel: Well ... let me explain.
Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.
Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse.
Finding him injured, the officer said to me, "Looks like he has a broken leg," and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead.
The officer next looked upon me and asked how I was doing. Suffering from the same injury as my horse, I of course immediately replied,
After an electrician finished repairing some faulty wiring in an attorney's home he handed him the
the bill. "Five hundred dollars! For an hour's work?" cried the attorney, "That's ridiculous! Why I'm an attorney and I don't make that much."
"Funny," replied the electrician, "when I was an attorney, I didn't either!"
A farmer walks into an lawyer's office wanting to file for divorce. The attorney asks, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them thar divorces." The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I
got me about 140 acres." The attorney says, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?" The farmer says, "No, I don't have a Case, I have a
John Deere." The attorney says, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer says, "Yeah, I got me a grudge, that's where
I parks me John Deere." The attorney says, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer says, "Yes sir, I got me a suit. I wear it to church
on Sundays." The exasperated attorney says, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer says, "Oh no sir. We both get up about
the same time, around 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it to you this way. "Why do YOU want a divorce from your wife?" To which
the farmer replies, "Well," says the farmer, "I can never have me a meaningful conversation with her."
Having been propositioned by a well defined and uptown prostitute one evening, a successful single gentleman agreed
to have consensual sex with the young lady for the sum of $500.00. After the evening ended the gentleman handed the
young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and threatened to sue if she didn't get it.
"That's a laugh!" the man stated, "I'd like to see you try." A few days later the man was surprised to receive a
summons ordering him to appear in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. The man hurried to his lawyer's office and
explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds,
but it will be interesting to see how she presents her case." After the usual preliminaries, the parties appeared in
court ready for trial.
The prostitute's lawyer addressed the court first, "Your Honor, my client, this lady here, is the
owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to
rent to the defendant for a specific length of time for the sum of $500.00. The defendant obtained exclusive possession
of the property, using it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented. However, upon evacuating the premises,
he paid only one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted and exclusive property
and we ask that judgment be granted for plaintiff and against defendant in the amount of $250.00.
The defendant's lawyer, thrown back by what he had just heard, pondered the opening remarks for a moment
and stood to present his off-the-cuff version of the case, "Your Honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, and that
he rented such property for a period of time, and that he even derived a degree of pleasure from the transaction. However, my client
found a well on the property upon which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump. All equipment belonging
to my client and all labor being performed by him. We allege that these improvements to the property were sufficient to effect
an offset of the unpaid portion of rent and further allege that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the fair market rental value of such
property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted for plaintiff and that the defendant be awarded his attorney's fees
and costs incurred in the defense of this frivolous action."
The prostitute's lawyer replied, "If it pleases the court your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on
the property, and that he made the improvements to the property as alleged. However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would
have never rented the property. Furthermore, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft,
and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the well-manicured shrubbery, but left the well with a
hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to small children, thereby creating a possible
danger to the health and general welfare of the public. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted as requested in the complaint.
Judgment for the plaintiff in the amount of $250.00!
A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit
everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death." "Why such an odd stipulation?" asked the attorney. "Because I
want someone to be sorry I died!" came the reply.
In questioning potential jurors for an upcoming trial the Judge inquired, "Is there any reason why
any of you cannot see this trial through to its conclusion?" A lone juror spoke up, "I can't!" stated the woman, "Why, just looking
at the woman I'm convinced she's guilty!" "Madam," said the Judge, "that's the prosecutor."
An attorney ran over to the office of his client. "I can't believe it!" said the angered attorney,
"You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in your case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we're certain to lose this case!"
"Relax," said the client, "I sent it in the prosecutor's name."
While summing up the State's case against the alleged despicable conduct of the defendant, the
Prosecutor addressed the jury, "Ladies and gentlemen -- all I can say is that if Moses had known the defendant, there would have been
two or three more Commandments."
A recent admittee to the bar accepted a job at a pretigous law firm in Los Angeles. Many law firms competed for the new attorney because
of his top class ranking and because of his well known wit and intellect as shown while he was editor of his school's law review.
The new attorney packed his bags and boarded a flight to Los Angeles. As the attorney is stowing his carry on luggage in the overhead
compartment, he notices a very attractive woman coming down the aisle towards him. The attorney takes his seat just as the woman stops,
checks her seat assignment and sits down right next to him. The attorney is on cloud nine. Three hours sitting next to a goddess. It was
sheer heaven the attorney thought to himself.
Eager to strike up a conversation with the woman, he asks "Business or vacation?" With a warm smile the woman turns towards him and
says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nyphomaniac Convention in L.A." The young attorney can't believe his luck. Here is the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him and heading to a convention for nyphomaniacs! Woooohooooo!!
Pondering for a moment about what this beautiful woman might be doing at the convention his curiosity gets the best of him. Retaining
his court like composure, the attorney asks, "What's your role at the convention if I may so bold to ask?" A coy question fit for
the supreme court he thought. "Lecturer," she replied. "I use my experience to debunk some of the most popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed
when, in fact, it's Native American Indian men who are most likley to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are
the best lovers in the world, when in actuality, it's men of Jewish descent that ..." Suddenly, the woman stops in mid-sentance and
becomes embarassed about her rambling and begins to blush." "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't even be discussing this with a you.
You're a total stranger. I don't even know your name." Smiling, the bright attorney offers his hand for an introductory handshake
and says, "Oh, by all means, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Geronimo -- Geronimo Goldstein!!"
After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing
hearing said, "Mrs. Packard -- after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn't you feel even a little remorse
for what you were doing?" "I did," she said calmly. "And when was that?" quipped the D.A. "When he asked for seconds!" came the reply.
After his motion to surpress evidence was denied by the court the angered attorney spoke up, "Your Honor,"
he said, "what would you do if I called you a stupid, degenerate, old fool." The Judge, now also angered, revered, "I would hold you in
contempt of court and seek to have you suspended from practicing before this court again!" "What if I only thought it?" asked the attorney.
"In that case, there is nothing I could do, you have the right to think whatever you want." "Oh, I see. Then, if it pleases the court, let
the record reflect, that I 'think' you're a stupid, degenerate, old fool."
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country
where he retreated for several weeks every year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different
friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two at this home, which happened to be
in a backwoods. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The
friend, eager to get a freebee off of the lawyer, agreed. They had a splendid time in the country -- rising
early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion
went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering
blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears -- a large male and a smaller female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears and sensing danger, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, however,
being ignorant of nature, was not so lucky. The male bear charged the paralyzed Czechoslovakian, then
swallowed him whole. The lawyer, instilled with fright, rushed back to his car and sped into town to
get the local sheriff. The sheriff, upon hearing the lawyer's unsettling story, grabbed his rifle and
dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer following closely behind. Sure enough, the two bears were
still there. "He's in THAT one!", cried the lawyer, pointing to the large male bear, all the while visions of lawsuits
from his friend's family lagged in the back of his mind. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff
looked at the two bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his rifle, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!", exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other one!" "Exactly," replied the
sheriff, "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
1. If one side has one, the other side has to get one;
2. Once launched, they can't be recalled; and
3. When they land, they screw everything up for the next 20 years.
Why does the Bar prohibit lawyers from having sex with their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said
the genie. "But there is a catch." "What catch?" the man asked. The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will
receive double the wish you were granted." "Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. "What is your first wish?" asked the
genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris,"
said the genie. "Next wish?" "I'd love a million dollars," replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now every lawyer
in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man. "What is your
third and final wish?" The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Just two ... all the rest are true.
A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he found
walking along side of the highway. One day as he was driving along he came across a Nun who appeared
to be having car trouble. Pulling over to offer the Nun a ride to the nearest service station,
the Nun graciously thanked the driver for stopping and accepted his offer. After driving a few miles
the truck driver saw an attorney walking along the highway. As was his custom, the truck driver swerved
to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun as a passenger and abruptly swerved
away to avoid hitting the attorney. Surprised upon hearing a loud 'thump' as he passed the attorney, the
truck driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured along side of the road. "I'm
so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney!" the truck driver plead. "You did my son,
but I got him with the door!" gleed the Nun.
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. "Do you serve lawyers
in here?", the man inquires. "Sure do!", replied the bartender. "Great!," said the man. "I'll have a Coors Light,
and how 'bout a lawyer for my 'gator."
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he
went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, "Father,
father, in one day I broke that accident case that you've been working on for the past four years!"
"You did what!" His father exclaimed. "You idiot, what do you think put you through law school!"
What's the difference between a stork and an attorney?
One can stick its bill up its ass, the other one should.
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to
his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter
with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity,
and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork,
the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A judge of some thirty years passed away unexpectedly. Upon his passing he as
greeted by an angel who explained he was there to guide the judge to heaven.
The angel introduced himself and added, "and I must say it is truely an honor to meet you."
As they slowly headed closer to the pearly gates the judge suddenly
stopped dead in his tracks and in no uncertain terms said, "Listen, I don't care how rare it is for
someone of my stature to make it up here, but if there are any attorneys in there,
I'm not going in. I'm tired of them all. I'd rather suffer an eternity in
hell than argue with another minute with an attorney."
Arriving at the pearly gates, and with much eyebrow raising by the heavenly host,
the judge was determined to be worthy to enter heaven. "One moment, St. Peter," said
the judge as the gates to heaven swung open for him, "just one thing, I'm tired of
being around attorneys. I've been around them all of my life. Are there any inside?
Because if there are, the deal's off and you can just send me to hell right now!"
"Certainly not!" cried St. Peter, "You're quite safe. There are no attorneys in here." Feeling
reassured, the judge pressed on and through the pearly gates into heaven. The judge found
heaven very enjoyable until one day when all of a sudden a very elderly gentleman
with a long white beard, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase in one hand and a handful
of papers in the other pushed past him mumbling something about be late for court.
Enraged, the judge stormed back to St. Peter. "Hey! St. Peter!" cried the judge, "You
said there were no attorneys here." "There aren't," stammered St. Peter. "I bed to
differ," the angered judge promptly retorted, then pointing to the elderly man, "What
does that elderly guy over there look like to you?" demanded the judge. "Oh my," St. Peter said
laughingly, "That's not an attorney! -- That's God. He just thinks he's an
"To me, a lawyer is basically the person that
knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing dice, playing the game, moving
our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem, the lawyer is the only
person who has read the inside top of the box."
- Jerry Seinfeld
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
A lawyer is standing at the gates to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1. Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty;
2. Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high;
3. Overcharging fees to many clients;
4. Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case;
And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all of these things,
but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity stuff in my life also." St. Peter looks in
his book and says, "Oh yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once
you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug
look on his face and replies, "Yes, yes!" St. Peter turns to the angel next to him
and whispers, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell!"
What educational programs should the United States support to
alleviate the burgeoning U.S.-Japan trade imbalance?
Japanese language lessons for lawyers.
A lawyer named 'Strange' was shopping for a tombstone. After he
had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here
lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied
the stonecutter giving the lawyer a little elbow nudge, "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
The stonecutter then suggested, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer'." "But that won't let people know who it is,"
protested the lawyer. "It most certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. People will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at
all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only
recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he
intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three
years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was
unconscionable. However, his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by
Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few
days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell. When the attorney
inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed,
"Who do you think has all of the judges!"
What is a criminal lawyer?
Two divorce lawyers were having drinks in a lounge after a grueling
day in the courts. In walks the most stunning woman either of the lawyers had seen in a long time.
One of the lawyers says, "Boy! I sure would like to screw her!" To which the other replies, "Out of what?"
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for
a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath,
I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.
A plaintiff lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case.
The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision.
Verdict for Plaintiff! The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has
triumphed!" The client immediately wired back, "Appeal at once!"
How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Three -- one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder,
and the third to sue the ladder company.
How many contract lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
WHEREAS, the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a
transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through
the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning
of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned
removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
Section 1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option,
by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter clockwise direction,
this point being non-negotiable.
Section 2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated
from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have
the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with
all applicable federal, state and local statutes.
Section 3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall
have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This
installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step
Section 1 of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise
direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part
(Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue
for the party of the fifth part, also known as the "Partnership."
Humpty Dumpty, the tooth fairy, an old drunk and an honest attorney are all
walking down the street together. Simultaneously, they each spot a one-hundred dollar bill lying on the
sidewalk. Who gets the money?
The old drunk, of course. The other three individuals only exist
in fairy tales.
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are seated in the same compartment
on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of vodka out of his luggage, pours some into a glass, drinks it,
and firmly stated, "In Russia, we have best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you
can find vodka as good as one we make in mother Russia. And, we have much of it, so much we can just throw
it away like water ..." That said, the Russian opens the train's window and hurls the vodka out of the
train. The others in the compartment are quite impressed. Just then the Cuban removes a box of Havana cigars
from his luggage, removes one, lights it and begins to smoke. "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world
'Havanas', nowhere in the world are there such many and good cigars, and we have much of them also, such many
that we can just throw them away ...." Making that bold statement, the Cuban sends the box of Havanas the way
of the vodka. Once again, the compartment's occupants are quite impressed. At that moment, not to be out done,
the American abruptly stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer out!
Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most
toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at
the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was standing, and greeted him warmly. Then St.
Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line,
and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what
makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours that you billed your clients,
and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2 plus 2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!" The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A doberman pinscher.
Firemen and paramedics frantically work to remove an attorney from his demolished car which was
just involved in a head on collision. "Oh ... my Mercedes, my poor Mercedes ... Oh ...," the attorney kept repeating through his pain.
"Look fella," said the paramedic, "Quit worrying so much about your car, your entire arm has been severed below the elbow and you could
bleed to death!" As the attorney looks down to see his arm missing, he begins whimpering, "My Rolex, my poor Rolex ... Oh ..."
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
A priest settled into a chair in a lawyer's office. "Is it true," said the Priest, "that your
firm does not charge members of the clergy?" "I'm afraid you're misinformed," stated the lawyer, "People in your profession can look
forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this one."
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
Not enough cement.
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher
shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog,
running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the
meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back,
"Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning." The lawyer, without a word,
writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds
an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one,
"let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed
to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling
to bury an attorney?", said the Justice, "Here's a guinea, go and bury 20 of them."
I broke a mirror the other day. That's seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.
A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town,
obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal attorney
in town?" To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, "Yeah, but we can't prove it yet!"
Jury: A collection of people banded together for the purpose of
deciding which side has hired the better lawyer.
A lawyer charged a client $500.00 for legal services. The client paid him
with crisp new $100.00 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two of the bills had stuck
together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.00. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
What's the difference between a porcupine and two attorneys in a Porsche?
The porcupine has its pricks on the outside.
Kids Will Be Kids. On a business trip in Philadelphia, a gentleman took one afternoon off to see the
Liberty Bell and other historic sites. He soon found himself in line with two young familes waiting to see
the sites as he overheard this conversation between their two small boys, not yet old enough
to be in school:
Child 1: My name is Billy. What's yours?
Child 2: Tommy.
Child 1: My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do?
Child 2: My Daddy's a lawyer.
Child 1: Honest?
Child 2: No -- just the regular kind.
An attorney, addressing the jury and speaking of his client who recently killed his parents:
"Dear ladies and gentlemen, please take mercy and release this poor orphan."